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Andy Rooney Quotes

All men are not created equal but should be treated as though they were under the law.

Anyone who watches golf on television would enjoy watching the grass grow on the greens.

As an old reporter, we have a few secrets, and the first thing is we try the phone book.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper. About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer is garbage that no one ever reads.

Death is a distant rumor to the young.

Don't rule out working with your hands. It does not preclude using your head.

Elephants and grandchildren never forget.

Figure skating is an unlikely Olympic event but its good television. It's sort of a combination of gymnastics and ballet. A little sexy too which doesn't hurt.

Happiness depends more on how life strikes you than on what happens.

I didn't get old on purpose, it just happened. If you're lucky, it could happen to you.

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.

I don't pick subjects as much as they pick me.

I don't think the government is out to get me or help someone else get me but it wouldn't surprise me if they were out to sell me something or help someone else sell me something. I mean, why else would the Census Bureau want to know my telephone number?

I hope all of you are going to fill out your census form when it comes in the mail next month. If you don't return the form the area you live in might get less government money and you wouldn't want that to happen, would you.

I just wish we knew a little less about his urethra and a little more about his arms sales to Iran.

I like ice hockey, but it's a frustrating game to watch. It's hard to keep your eyes on both the puck and the players and too much time passes between scoring in hockey. There are usually more fights than there are points.

If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.

If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving America a new sense of purpose.