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Dave Barry Quotes


Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy. In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.

People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

Scientists now believe that the primary biological function of breasts is to make males stupid.

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace; snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.

The Democrats seem to be basically nicer people, but they have demonstrated time and again that they have the management skills of celery.

The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.

The information encoded in your DNA determines your unique biological characteristics, such as sex, eye color, age and Social Security number.

The Internet is the most important single development in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.

The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates.

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices on their podiums during prime time, and I doubt that anybody would notice.

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background, is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.