Erma Bombeck Quotes
How come anything you buy will go on sale next week? Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide. I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage. I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough courage to wear it, instead of carrying it. I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up. I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex. I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes. I take a very practical view of raising children. I put a sign in each of their rooms: "Checkout Time is 18 years." I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order. I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair. I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent. I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars. If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead. If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it. In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in television. In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows. It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding. It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else. Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
Web Toolbar by Wibiya 