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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important.

Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Erma Bombeck

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better.

Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

Erma Bombeck

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.

Erma Bombeck