Henny Youngman Quotes
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle. My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself. My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first! My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. She has a wash and wear bridal gown. She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match. She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face. Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays. Take my wife... Please! That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position! The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip. The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out. This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number. This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest. This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated! Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous. What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
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