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Jeff Foxworthy Quotes

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?

I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

I know God is real.

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.

I really don't require a whole lot in life.

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'