Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle. I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. I remixed a remix, it was back to normal. I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down. I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before. I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it. I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy. I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart. I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it. I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
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