Funny Quotes
People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Recession is when a neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.
Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Television has brought back murder into the home - where it belongs.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.
The day I made that statement, about the inventing the internet, I was tired because I'd been up all night inventing the Camcorder.
The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
TV is chewing gum for the eyes.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
