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Elayne Boosler Quotes

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty years because even in biblical times, men would not stop to ask for directions.

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers. Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. It's a whole different way of thinking.

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.