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Erma Bombeck Quotes

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

Children make your life important.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong because I have just described my kids.

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.

God created man, but I could do better.

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.