Search quotes by author:    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z 

Joan Rivers Quotes

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Never floss with a stranger.

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.

Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.