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Joan Rivers Quotes

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.