Funny Quotes
Moderation is a virtue only in those who are thought to have an alternative.
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.
My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Never fight an inanimate object.
Never floss with a stranger.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.
Nobody ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.
O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.
One man's folly is another man's wife.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
Parrots make great pets. They have more personality than goldfish.
