Funny Quotes
I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.
I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am the literary equivalent of a Big Mac and Fries.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
I don't need you to remind me of my age. I have a bladder to do that for me.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
